Widowed at the age of 35, relationship coach Crystal Sylvester found love again. Black Life Coaches’ Network, recently interviewed life coach, blogger and relationship expert Crystal Sylvester. The focus of the interview was to introduce women – particularly women over 30 years of age – to the coaching of Ms. Sylvester regarding seeking and developing relationships after the unexpected end of a marriage or long-term relationship.
Expelling Myths That Keep Us From Finding Love After Death or Divorce
Mrs. Sylvester’s coaching expertise and message come from her own life experiences. She met her husband when she was 18 years old, married him at 24, and remained married until being unexpectedly widowed at the age of 35. As she got back out into the world of dating and relationships, she gradually developed a philosophy and set of beliefs and behaviors that helped her to develop healthy new relationships in her own life, and can help other women in similar situations.
Highlights From The Interview:
- Crystal Sylvester says that women are bombarded with books telling us about “how men think” and “what men want,” and advising us to represent ourselves in certain ways to fulfill what men are looking for. As women, we are not really taught to value ourselves or value our own feelings, thoughts, and emotions. If a woman shows up to dates or begins relationships by showing what they think others want to see, the people they meet will miss the authentic person they really want a partner in life to fall in love with.
- She tells her life coaching clients that dating should be about women learning who they are. Going out into the dating world after losing a long term relationship should NOT be about “the guys” so much as it should be about who the women are becoming in the process. In her own experience, Crystal Sylvester says, “The guys were like mirrors, and I got to learn… how much of myself can I show up being? When we are dating, the men are really secondary. Our relationship with ourselves is primary.”
- When discussing 21st century women’s complaint that there are “no good men out there,” Mrs. Sylvester said, “What we believe we manifest. So, if we say there are no good men out there, we will not find one.” Believing that there are no good men, women stop looking, or when they meet a good man they immediately pick him apart to prove to themselves that their belief is correct.
- Another aspect of Crystal Sylvester’s relationship coaching is helping women to get out of the belief that being with someone, no matter how they may treat you, is better than being alone. She says that when she hears women saying they are “strong women” because they stand by their man even if he’s doing them wrong, she asks, “If you are grounded, and a strong woman, what has got you with a man who cannot be a good partner to you?” As a coach, she points out the cost of that belief that any relationship is better than none: both the cost of staying in a bad relationship and the cost of the belief itself. She says that, even if they get out of a destructive or unfulfilling relationship, women with that mind set are likely to “recreate that same story with a different cast,” over and over, because they are putting the importance of having a relationship above the importance of their own self worth.
Crystal Sylvester sums up the foundation of her coaching philosophy, saying “Who am I when I do what really honors me? Who am I being when I can speak my mind and say what’s true for me? That is the rich soil, and that’s where change happens. It doesn’t happen from trying to “do it all right.” Real change happens when we allow all of ourselves to be there – when all of ourselves is okay.”