In a recent “Ask the Expert” segment with relationship and marriage coach Martez Layton, Towanna Freeman presented a viewer’s question regarding a new husband’s lack of motivation: “I earn more money than my husband, and I feel resentful towards him. We are both in our 40s, and when we married, I believed in him and all his efforts to better himself. I now see that he has no ambition. How do I save my marriage?”
Coach Layton responded with some questions and some suggestions:
- Was there premarital counseling or premarital coaching to agree on expectations? A marriage will more likely get off on the right foot if goals and expectations for each spouse – and for the couple together – are agreed upon and actually written down prior to saying the wedding vows.
- Does the couple truly share a direction for their future together? Before asking, “How can I save my marriage,” she should ask first, “What is my husband’s direction for the future?” This question and others regarding his goals and motivations should be discussed in a professional setting, with a third party like a relationship coach to support and guide the conversation. They should sit down with a third party to discuss what future she sees for herself and what future he sees for himself – and whether or not that is the same future.
- She should not necessarily focus only on the amount of money her husband is currently bringing in. If he has a clear direction and a clear focus on what he is trying to do for their future together, and has a plan in place with motivation to work that plan, she should appreciate and be supportive of his efforts.
- If her husband is going through an emotional transition in his life, such as a “midlife crisis,” or has experienced recent setbacks in his plans, this could be the reason his earlier motivation – to “better himself” – faded so quickly. Some work with a life coach might get him back on track, if this is an emotional transition period. She should definitely find out what is going on with her husband emotionally before she considers walking away from this new marriage.
Martez Layton is the author of “A Blessed Affair”