Bad luck doesn’t ruin relationships. We ruin relationships and all of us for the most part are absolutely helpless against ruining what we love because patterns in our brains naturally create shortcuts in our logic that makes us assume the worst of a situation even if the truth is staring us in the face.
Here are 5 common ways we unknowingly sabotage our happiness.
Sabotage by Confirmation
If we create a world in our minds where all men are cheats or all women are liars, then we will always be seeking confirmation of this to prove our thinking right. Our unfortunate partners have no idea they have already been set up to lose and anything they do that remotely resembles our fears will be quickly determined as concrete proof of what we believe in our minds without us even processing all the facts.
What can you do about this? Avoid jumping to conclusions. Collect evidence and make conclusions only after that. When in doubt, always assume the most positive outcome possible and go from there.
Sabotage by Observation
Have you ever thought about buying a car and once you choose a make and model you start noticing it everywhere? What we think about seeing, actually makes it more noticeable to us as the brains filters out everything else. So if we’re with or trying to choose a partner and we only focus on what we don’t want, then our minds are going to focus on what we don’t want and that’s all we see. The result? No one is ever going to be good enough for us – and we remain single and wonder why!
What can you do about this? Keep an open mind and when you catch yourself noticing small things about someone you’ve just met and drawing a bunch of negative conclusions, stop, realize what you’re doing, and then go back to connecting with ‘the real person’ instead of the negative version of them you just created in your head.
Sabotage by Negativity
It is human nature to remember the bad times more than the good. Why? Because bad memories form a logical protection that reminds us ‘never to do that again.’ The problem with this logical shortcut is that the bad experiences from past relationships make us or approach potential relationships with a negative and sometimes over protective mindset which makes it extremely difficult for us to open up emotionally when we need to.
What can you do about this? Every time that you remember something ‘bad’ about your dating life, think of something “good.” It releases chemicals in your brain that counteract bad memories. What’s more, it will put you into a positive framework for your approach!
Sabotage by Projection
When we think everyone should love, apologize, give or think like us, we effectively project our way of doing things onto them. This is by far the quickest and most efficient way to be let down by someone as it is impossible for anybody to live up to all our projected expectations. We also then miss out on what they uniquely do have to offer as we are only looking for what we want to expect.
What can you do about this? Take a minute to think about how another person’s thought process might work, and the benefits that this can bring to all your own shortcomings.
Sabotage by Optimism
Yes; the opposite of sabotage by negativity does exist, but it operates differently. While sabotage by negativity has you remembering all the bad times, sabotage by optimism has you projecting a far-too-optimistic vision of how your future plans are going to work out.
What can you do about this? In most cases, you want to use optimism bias to your advantage rather than trying to control for it. However, in cases like the above, be brutally honest with yourself and ask if you’re either expecting or giving too much in vain to a situation that’s not realistically serving you or your authentic purpose.
Five common sabotages. Five things you or your friends are almost certainly doing that’s making your love life more difficult and complicated than it needs to be. Start counteracting them today with these tips.